


Does anyone ever actually die around here?

by sleepissafety



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Also Crack, Avengers Tower, Bucky Barnes Needs a Drink, Crack, Fix-It, Gen, Pietro Maximoff Lives, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), because it should still be a thing, don't forget the crack, lots of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 03:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4731758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepissafety/pseuds/sleepissafety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A totally realistic approach on how Pietro should reenter the MCU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Does anyone ever actually die around here?

**Author's Note:**

> Am I still upset over this? ~~_Of course not_.~~ *growl*

“Captain Rogers?” F.R.I.D.A.Y. speaks into the room and conversation around the dining table quiets.

Tony coughs not-so-subtly. “I thought I said no inter—”

“It’s Sergeant Barnes, sir, at the west entrance.”

“What?” Steve blurts out, much louder than intended though he has a right to be surprised since in the three months he and Bucky have lived in Tony’s newly renovated (twice) skyscraper, Bucky hasn’t once used the tower-wide communication system. It took him two months to even _acknowledge_ F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s existence. Still, Bucky prefers his private cell because he can call Steve directly.

He wonders if Bucky misplaced his access card.

_Again._

“Put him through,” Pepper authorizes, manicured hand slapped over Tony’s mouth.

“But—”

“Stevie?” Bucky sounds…irritated?

“Yes, sunshine? You all right? What happened to your phone?” He can’t control the flow of questions spilling from his lips, but he does shoot Clint a warning glare when he catches the archer mouth _Sunshine?_ to Sam. “Buck, you there?”

“Uh…I’m still here.” There’s rustling and what sounds like another person talking too far away from the intercom to be heard clearly. “I’m okay. Phone battery died.” More muffled words.

“Did Freezer Burn just say ‘smartphones’ _sarcastically_?” Tony loud whispers and Steve is disappointed that Pepper and her magical hand of silence have somehow vanished.

However, Bruce flicking a blueberry right between Tony’s eyes makes him a little less disappointed.

“Was that necess—”

“Um, yeah…So there’s someone out here.” Steve’s looking at Natasha when Bucky says this, so he’s able to watch her face morph from indifferent to wary in less than a second. “Um…He, uh, says he knows you guys?”

He doesn’t think he’s heard Bucky sound so confused since discovering the popcorn button on their microwave.

Which was yesterday, but still.

“Yeah, well, why didn’t _he_ call us then, huh?” Tony demands and this time it’s Natasha who shuts him up—with a foot to the groin. “Hey, watch it! You’re damaging future billionaire genius inventors over here!”

“ _Stevie_ —”

“Tony,” Vision’s soothing tone settles over the group. “Fifty-seven hours ago, after our battle with, and I quote, the ‘wicked robot lizards of Central Park’, you instructed F.R.I.D.A.Y. to inhibit all outside communication for the next seven days. I assume Sergeant Barnes was permitted access to the west entrance intercom because he is officially an Avenger, and therefore not technically _outside_.”

“That is correct, sir,” the new A.I. chimes in.

“Wait, and I’m not?” comes through the speakers, spoken by someone who is definitely _not_ Bucky.

Wanda drops her fork.

“Well _shit_ , man.”

“Clint? Clint! Is that you, old man?” Rustling. “Ow! Has anyone ever told you it fuckin’ hurts to be punched with a metal arm? Eh? Wait—Wanda? Sister? Are you there? Wanda!”

“It can’t be.” Steve thinks it’s the softest he’s ever heard her speak, save from the giggling whispers to Vision during movie nights.

“It certainly _sounds_ like him,” Vision notes calmly, even as Wanda not-so-calmly crawls into his lap.

“Well…what’s the guy look like?” Sam inquires, because if the situation couldn’t get any murkier, it was the west entrance cameras Tony destroyed three days back, during his first attempt at programming F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s control capabilities over the newly rebuilt (twice? thrice?) Iron Legion.

Which probably would’ve been repaired by now, Steve presumes, if those damn robot lizards hadn’t shown up.

“Buck?”

“Oh! Uh…well for starters, he’s wearin’ a pretty awful lookin’ track suit.”

“Fuck you! Who the hell goes out in public wearing a shirt that says _If found, please return to—”_

“That how you wanna play, huh? Huh? Mouthy bastard. _Fine_.” Bucky spits the last word. “He’s got a bleached mop on his head that makes him look like a 90’s boy band reject.”

“That sounds about right,” Clint states and Steve shrugs because he can’t really disagree, especially with that poster of NSYNC Bucky’s got taped over their bed.

“Jeez, kid, would ya stop clawin’ at it? You’re actin’ like an alley mutt! Oh, God, Stevie, he’s probably got _fleas_.”

“Yeah? Well yours looks like it hasn’t been washed in a month! Is that a _scrunchie_?”

“Aw, can we keep him?” Tony nudges Rhodey’s shoulder. “We could train him to pick up all the hair accessories Barnes leaves lying around.”

“Shut up, Stark.” Rhodey groans, and Steve tries to recall if the colonel had been in the room the whole time.

“I think I’m gonna take him to the pound. Don’t worry, even Stitch found a family and he was blue and had four arms!” More rustling and muffled cursing. “Wait…Are you an alien? That might help your case.”

“Yeah, well, I’m thinking an alien’s the only creature crazy enough to try and prevent Winter Soldier from entering a building,” Tony says. “That is why you’re still outside, right, Barnes? You just don’t wanna let him in with you? Can’t you just knock him out or something?”

“Little shithead swiped my keycard outta my pocket and I can’t get in,” Bucky grouses and there’s a sharp noise followed by a muffled curse that sounds like the action and aftermath of someone being slapped. “Ha! Got one! I threatened to kill him but he _insists_ at least one of you—”

“Two. Two! The old man with the bow totally has a crush on—”

“Whatever! _Two._ He insists at least two of you would be upset.” Bucky sighs. “I just wanted some donuts, Stevie. I can’t handle this,” he whines.

“Wait, did one of the world’s most lethal assassins just _whine_?” Rhodey arches an eyebrow. “What the hell is going on out there?”

And honestly, Steve is struggling to hold back a snicker. He also really wants to kiss him. “Buck, just—”

“Really, Barnes?” Clint scoffs. “How the hell did _anyone_ manage to steal something from _you_? Who can out-stealth Winter Soldier?”

“Not stealth. _Speed._ ”

“P-Pietro?”

“Yeah, says that’s his name. It’s weird. _He’s_ weird. He moves really fast. Like a blur.”

“Brother.” It’s no more than a breath that barely reaches Steve’s ears.

“Kinda cool, really. He _blurred_ all the way to Coney Island and back and brought me a snow cone. It’s grape, Stevie.”

“Pietro! My brother!” Wanda bawls, struggling against Vision’s hold. Red sparks burst from her hands and Steve wonders just how differently the android experiences pain, if at all.

“Wanda! Sister!” Was that a growl? “Let me in!”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., you heard our newest Avenger,” the A.I.’s creator says. “Let them in.”

It’s the nicest thing Tony’s done all day.

 _All year,_ Steve amends and it’s only March.

“So…does anyone ever actually die around here?” Bruce asks no one in particular.

Steve doesn’t think he’s the right person to answer anyway.

****

It takes nearly an hour to settle the chaos.

Steve blames Tony for yelling “Holey Roadrunner! Get it? _Holey_.” when he sees Pietro.

Tony blames Wanda for throwing him across the room.

Tony then blames Bucky for having the tendency to punch people that are flying toward his face, though Steve thinks it’s more of a knee-jerk reaction that’d happen to _anyone_ who had Tony Stark flying toward their face.

Bucky blames Tony, for obvious reasons.

Wanda, unsurprisingly, seems willing to blame everyone except Pietro—and probably Vision, Steve thinks—for no apparent reason at all.

And then there’s Pietro.

Pietro blames the thirteen Coney Island hotdogs that he was apparently able to consume in the thirty seconds it took to obtain a grape snow cone.

But even Pietro has to reckon the experience worth it when they decide to make an encore appearance….

…all over a certain billionaire genius inventor’s shoes.

**Author's Note:**

> How did he become not dead? 
> 
> I don't know, but those hot dogs probably didn't help. XD
> 
> Also, yes, Bucky did eventually get some donuts. Sympathy donuts are the best donuts.


End file.
